


keep your sympathy (you'll need it)

by Still_sleepless



Category: Monsta X
Genre: Angst, Gen, Graphic Description of Corpse, aftermath of suicide, cutting?, i think it's graphic i'm not sure, like major angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-07-12 13:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15996566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Still_sleepless/pseuds/Still_sleepless
Summary: Kihyun left and they struggled.





	1. lean on me honey

Minhyuk was drowning. It wasn't in water but in a viscous mixture of grief and willful ignorance. It left him sore at night and bleary-eyed in the morning, squinting through the phosphenes and watching the others run in slow motion. They weren't running from monsters, lurking in the shadowy corners of their home but from the truth. The truth clung to them in damp layers of sour secrets, pushed fruitlessly into the recesses of their minds.

Minhyuk couldn't blame them, not really. So, after two weeks of going through the motions Minhyuk sits up and stares. He stares at the counter in the kitchen. It was chipped in places but scrubbed clean and Minhyuk tries to imagine all the times Kihyun had nagged at them to help him and how many times they had actually listened. Numbers pop up in his head ranging from hundreds to thousands but at the root of it all was Kihyun smiling earnestly as he served food and all of a sudden Minhyuk wondered if there would ever be a day when he wouldn't remember that smile. Blinking in confusion he questioned how he could think such a thing but a voice in the back of his head seemed to laugh back in derision. _It's only a matter of time_ came a hiss.

That was all it took before he was shouting, deep and throaty and pained. Through his tears he could see a blur of movement; rapid and panicked. He was grasping at anything, pots and pans clattering to the floor, a symphony of noise leading up to a crescendo of tears as he sunk to the ground desperately. _Kihyun wouldn't like that_ were the only words that came to mind as he let someone mouth reassurances softly into his hair.

There wasn't much to be said as he was pulled back up and led to his room. A dam had been broken and forbidden thoughts had rushed forward in a broken stream, leaking and fermenting all at once. He was being hugged. It was warm and enveloped him; a futile effort to protect Minhyuk from events that had been set in motion long ago. He appreciated the thought but it was only an echo of what once was.  _Kihyun always hugged loosely, too small to make the heat last but he tried._ When his tears had bubbled down to soft sniffs Minhyuk was put to bed by someone efficiently, Hyungwon, he thinks lazily.

There's a moment of silence as Hyungwon watches from the door, tight with tension, and it seems like he might say something. Instead he sighs and closes the door with a small 'click'. After a while of staring at the ceiling Minhyuk remembers times, the hardest times of his life, moments he would now relieve in a heartbeat if it got rid of the emptiness he felt. His life hadn't been easy, finance was always on his mind he grew up frugal. Getting accepted into Starship was a dream turned foul.

(Minhyuk dreams).


	2. sometimes i want to fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while i know this is horrible but i hope you like it and if you do please comment i need friends!

Jooheon was never one to smoke. He found it counterintuitive; to be alive while simultaneously killing yourself. The grey billows of smoke reminded him too much of thunder and rising storms. The way they grew hot in the wind before dissipating left him feeling nauseated.

So, it was an unusual occurrence when he found himself on the roof of his apartment building with a packet of cigarettes stolen from his manager. He was inclined to feel some guilt for the theft but his manager had yet to notice, too busy walking around in a daze and attempting damage control. It was a fallacy, of course, no amount of damage control could change the truth.

He supposed he should also feel guilty for smoking as well, the others wouldn't approve of such an unhealthy habit. They would berate him. But Kihyun probably didn't feel guilty as he slit his wrists and bled out to death in their hotel bathroom, _so really_ , who gives a fuck?

Jooheon was the one who found him. And he hates Kihyun for it. He had been monitoring their concert performance in preparation for the 2nd day and had been waiting for Kihyun to get out of the bathroom for a while. The night was so, so still. As if the world already knew that Yoo Kihyun was dead and was simply waiting for Jooheon to catch onto the sick joke.

His repeated calls of ' _Hyung_ ' gradually became nervous before he eventually tried the door. It wasn't locked. Sometimes Jooheon wishes that it had been just so he could have delayed the inevitable truth.

His screams rang like an alarm and alerted Shownu who was in the adjacent hotel room. Poor Shownu who had been practising a loving speech for their fans had stumbled into their bathroom only to promptly vomit on himself. An ambulance was called in a flurry of flashing lights even though anyone with eyes could see that he was dead. Kihyun was dead. He had killed himself while Jooheon was lying a foot away.

Yes, smoking kills but at least it doesn't involve staining your bathroom tiles pretty shades of scarlet. At least it's a slow death rather than the one Kihyun clearly preferred.

One would assume that seeing Kihyun's - still warm - dead body draped across the floor would be the most disturbing image Jooheon could muster. Yet, it is the moments afterwards that he remembers in his dreams. The gut-wrenching phone call made to Kihyun's family and how his dad had bellowed for his son. As if his voice alone could reach into the afterlife and pull him back into existence.

The statement the company released to explain to fans exactly why they'd never see Kihyun sing again. The three deaths immediately after by girls who just couldn't imagine a life without him (Jooheon sometimes dreams of joining them and wakes up feeling resentment sit heavy upon his tongue, though he doesn't know quite why).

More than anything, it was Kihyun's funeral that sticks with Jooheon. Mainly because he didn't go. He couldn't go. He stayed home in the dark drinking and crying and most of all being angry at Kihyun for leaving. It wasn't fair he would say.

Because Kihyun had never even hinted at feeling anything other than happy. Because even up until the end he was making plans for the future, diligently practising choreography for their upcoming comeback. A comeback he would now never participate in. Not that any of them would. Promotions had been put on hold and the dorm was relatively empty unless they had to be there.

Jooheon hated Kihyun because he didn't let them help him.

He hated Kihyun because he missed him.


	3. ask no questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recommended listening: Different by WOODZ
> 
> I post kind of infrequently because I'm in my final year at school and so I have a lot going on but I still post monthly!

Wonho couldn't speak. Words that had once flowed freely from his mouth now threatened to choke him. Half-formed thoughts coagulated before they could spill and Wonho remained mute.

Occasionally, he'd mutter out a sentence but they'd never make sense - often beginning at the end rather than the start. Then he'd retreat back into himself. His manager had expressed concern and pushed for a therapist but Wonho was a functioning adult who could manage. And it's not like he couldn't speak. He just chose not to.

His mind was infested. Embedded in every orifice was guilt. Every fold and crease of skin hid remorse. So, he remained silent on behalf of those he loves. Words dangle on a string, if one falls loose then countless others follow suit. They carry the weight of poison, the power of toxins ready to take yet another life. 

But fear plagued Wonho's very being. If he could play the game of silence then so could the others. Wonho was afraid. Afraid that thoughts and actions were being withheld from him, that what he perceived as sincerity was actually masking endless empty space.

After all, wasn't the game of silence what Kihyun was best at? And he earned eternal victory. In the end. The choker that restrained Kihyun's feelings ultimately led to lifeless eyes and broken vocal cords.

In the coldness of the midnight air Wonho screams. And nothing echoes back.

In the light of the morning Hyungwon asks if Wonho believes in the afterlife.

The numbness since Kihyun's death has been crawling up Wonho's body infinitesimally slow. Every cell has been set alight by bitter indifference and Wonho lies awake staring into the mouth of infinity with curious discontent. He wonders how many maggots have made a home in Kihyun's chest cavity. Every night the number doubles and Wonho sinks further into madness. There is no higher power awaiting to deign forgiveness - of that he is sure. Wonho wonders what will happen when the numbness reaches his heart.

Out of kindness, Wonho says 'yes' to Hyungwon and they both release imperceptible sighs. Wonho because he's so, so tired. Hyungwon because he's wishes people would stop lying to him.

One day, someone will tread on the frayed threads that hang off the edges of Wonho's skin and he will be pulled between infinite places of unease. His core will unravel and molten acid will burn the souls of all those around him.

Until then Wonho continues walking into the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to convey Wonho's circular behaviour in this chapter. How he wants to protect the others but simultaneously how he's hurting them. Wonho has always had this character of 'saviour' to me. At least, concerning those he loves (his family, friends, members and fans). That's why he seems to be the most broken so far. Tell me your thoughts on his reaction!


	4. keep us standing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Sorry for the wait.

Shownu views his life in stages. Pre-debut and post-debut. Now he adds post-Kihyun to the list as well.

For a while he had felt uncertain of his identity, even before Kihyun's death. There was a sense of loss buried in the core of the group which only Shownu had seemed to noticed. A whirlwind of tension building up to a horrific climax. Now it had severed an equator between the members which couldn't be sewn back together. He wonders if he should have acted on his instincts. Wonders if Kihyun had died because of him. 

Kihyun's wake was due to begin in a few hours and Shownu could only ponder the unpredictable nature of life. He was used to having contingency plans, it was hard not to with such an unstable lifestyle. He had planned out what he would do if he couldn't debut (go back to street performances in Hongdae and shivering in the winter time). He had planned what to do if his debut faded into oblivion just like so many others (cry and beg his parents for a second chance). He had never planned for this. Didn't realise that death was one eventuality that would tear out of the dark and rip his orderly life into uneven strips of longing. 

Longing.

Shownu was now an amalgamation of longing and suffering. Equal parts devastated and confused. And it's the confusion that actually devastates him. Because the only coping mechanism he can truly muster is denial. Denial of facts. Denial of reality. Denial of knowing that Kihyun didn't value them enough to stay. And perhaps that's what hurts the most. The feeling of dejection threatening to crush him. 

With the members he had finally felt like he had found a home. Now that home had it's rotten foundations exposed and Shownu had realised that there is no such thing as safety. 

How can they claim to be a family when one of their own had chosen to leave? They can't. 

He had once considered No.Mercy to be the greatest tragedy in his shamefully short life. That was a mistake. One that he wished was true. Because now he'd relish the chance to do it all over again if it meant he could see Kihyun one more time. But Kihyun had disappeared like a whisper, carried away by a fleeting breeze which they had overlooked. Ultimately, Shownu was going to have to build another home. A stronger home which could protect those he has left. But for now, he had a wake to get to. Being strong could wait.


	5. let you win

Changkyun could smell blood. 

 

It was his own, smeared on the soles of his feet and spreading across the floor in slow pools of burnt copper. For a moment he could only breathe out small, ragged puffs of air. His heartbeat pounded out an irregular tattoo that seemed far too loud in the empty practice room. Then suddenly the sting of pain reached him and he was sinking to his knees with a violent gasp. 

 

Fisting his hands in his hair, Changkyun heaved as he surveyed the shattered glass before him. He had been practicing the same dance moves over and over again for the last two hours. One step. Two steps. Even as the mirrors had fogged up to the point where he couldn't see himself. Even when his phone had died and the music gave way to silence. Changkyun continued along to a beat only he could hear. 

 

Kihyun had loved this part of the choreography. He had always claimed that it emphasised how "sexy" he was. Changkyun regrets being so quick to laugh at the time and now he lets the overwhelming guilt guide his movements. 

 

It wasn't until his eyes caught an upturned picture frame that his legs had slowed. The picture had been taken during the filming of a reality show before debut. Changkyun had still been so new, shiny and small and terribly uncomfortable in front of all the cameras and all the unfamiliar people.

 

Sometimes, at night he had stayed awake in fear of waking up to the others planning some sort of coup. (He wonders how he could have been so stupid). At the time his biggest fear was rejection from the members, from the company and ultimately from the industry. 

 

He remembers the moments before the picture, _he had been sitting on the edge, assuming the role of outsider all by himself. Then he remembers Kihyun softly holding his hand and pulling him into the centre with a glimmering smile. As they had locked eyes all that time ago Changkyun could have sworn he had fallen into unending warmth that eased the space in his chest where his heart had been. That night Changkyun had been the first to sleep._

 

The memory triggered something volatile and before Changkyun could even process what he was doing his hand had thrown the frame before him. The sound echoed throughout the room like a reminder of his failure to do anything right. His inability to be natural, to do the moves correctly, to save Kihyun. Shards of glass descended in sharp arcs, glittering like Kihyun once had. He had been so effortless in everything he had tried. Even when he had made mistakes he simply picked himself up and tried again with a smile. 

 

With only Kihyun's laugh in his mind Changkyun had rushed forward onto the glass before coming to a standstill. Just this once, he wanted to be like Kihyun. But the pain was too much. Changkyun found himself stumbling forwards and holding onto a mirror before sinking to the floor. His hands left broken tracks upon the condensation before gingerly lifting one foot to examine the damage. He let out a short gasp at the glass still embedded in his heels and watched one solitary bloated bead of red make the slow journey towards his toes before giving into gravity and greeting the floor.

 

Changkyun felt pathetic.

 

He had seen Kihyun when he died. The sounds coming from across the hall drew him into the midst of a nightmare he has yet to wake from. Wonho had grabbed him to spare him from seeing the disaster but Changkyun had already spied the arms and chest carved open like something out of a cheap horror movie. Pale arms which had once carelessly dragged Changkyun away from the edge were now unmoving and painted with blood the colour of eyes in the dark. (Even as he thinks this Changkyun knows he is wrong. Kihyun had never been careless, not with them).

 

It must have hurt. Must have felt like fire against his skin and water in his lungs. And yet- and yet he continued. He continued and he died. Changkyun questions how weak he must be if simple glass adorning his skin like morbid jewellery is enough to bring forth tears. When Kihyun had torn himself up looking for a reason to live had he ignored the pain? Or had he been so far gone that he couldn't even feel it? Changkyun brings his feet back flat against the floor and rests his head in his palms. Silently, he weeps. Partly because of the pain but mostly because of the injustice of it all.

 

He couldn't do even half of what Kihyun had. Ever the perfectionist, even in death he outdid Changkyun with blades and cuts and silver laughs that shone with something more than beauty. Something fuller and more resonant than what should have been possible. Changkyun had felt equal parts envious and adoration for the way he had always let go so easily. Like a weapon wrapped in silk Changkyun could never fully commit to his anger just like he couldn't commit to his love. He lived afraid of both and so held them inside. Biting into them with his molars and hoping nobody noticed. 

 

Kihyun had noticed and he had loved and accepted him all the same. 

 

And so his death felt like more of a betrayal than he could say. No amount of explaining to the others could express how Kihyun killing himself didn't feel like just a rejection of life. It felt like Kihyun holding his hand one last time before pushing him off a cliff face into the abyss beneath. 

 

By what right did Kihyun have to kill himself? Selfishly, Changkyun had claimed Kihyun's life as his own all that time ago. On that sofa in front of that camera he had held on with the intention of never letting go. However, Kihyun had clearly harboured his own desires and stole himself away from everyone who had ever needed him.

 

Away from Changkyun. Changkyun had needed him. Didn't know how he was meant to function without Kihyun as a crutch.

 

Maybe that makes Changkyun the selfish one. He doesn't care so long as it will bring him back. 

 

It doesn't.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask me why this chapter is so long idk what I'm doing lol


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